B is 33 and I'm 28 (29 in 3 weeks), so the reality of life is our friends are having kids. Just this week, we went to happy hour with some old neighbors of ours who just got married last July. They have become close friends of ours, and we love spending time with them. As we sat down, they announced that they had just found out that day they were expecting.
We did the obligatory "congratulations! How exciting!" and we are genuinely happy for them, since this was a very wanted baby. When we got home though, we walked in the door, looked at each other, and promptly said "shit, more friends we've lost." Although we have 8 months before we "lose" them, we're already grieving the loss of a friendship. A beach trip planned for next month is already heading towards cancellation since the mom-to-be is worried she might be sick.
To add to it, my best friend told us 2 weeks ago that she's 14 weeks pregnant with #2. We've worked REALLY hard to stay friends with she and her husband, and it's worked decently since they are parents who make the child fit their schedule. Never have we heard "we can't meet at that time, it's her nap time" or "can we go to a place like Red Robin since it's really loud and kid-friendly?" It has meant that we can't have grown-up outings to most happy hours, we can't go wine tasting, and they are out for beach getaways (since a toddler ruins some of the fun), but we do our best to make it work. It helps that they have taught their little girl to be well-behaved and they do not tolerate throwing food on the floor, shrieking, and any other horrifying behavior that most parents seem to be okay with.
We don't have any plans to have kids in the near future, maybe ever. That makes it basically impossible to have friends with kids. Sorry, we don't care about how often your kid poops, the stupid videos you post of your kid staring at a dot on the carpet for 30 minutes (true story!), or discussing the pros and cons of cloth diapering. While a new parent finds those topics fascinating, I don't. I'm not anti-baby, but it sucks to lose your friends to parenthood. It sucks even more when you know you're likely never going to re-join them as friends since kids aren't a plan.
Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy for my friends that really want children. It's just hard to watch a friendship dissolve because the parental social life falls to the wayside. That in itself makes me feel for the parents that don't realize getting away from the baby is healthy, normal, and beneficial to all involved. I know babies mean changes, but I firmly believe they DON'T mean "only one of 2 restaurants of the parent's choice (because they are loud and the kid can scream there), driving 45 minutes to go to said restaurants, and only being able to go to dinner at 4pm because 'earlier the baby is sleeping and later he needs to eat his dinner so we have to be home.'" Yes, the latter actually happened to us. I'm willing to call around and find a happy hour that allows kids, and I'm willing to be flexible on time (5, 6, 7, okay!), but I'm not willing to be ridiculous.
For now, we hold on tight to the ever-dwindling friends of ours that are kid-free. The reality is that that group is likely to shrink to zero in the next few years. How can we find couples like us? We jokingly say we're going to be peer-pressured into having a baby just so we can have friends!
I agree, it sucks. I mean, I can understand that people gravitate toward others in a similar life place, but there are limits. Canceling a beach trip because you MIGHT have morning sickness? Can't you be sick at the beach too? I don't know, it just seems excessive, like some people find out they're pregnant and immediately begin the business of diverging from their childless friends.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have a kid, I totally understand this. I always felt like it was kind of tragic when friends had kids, because you would never see them again, and you didn't want to hang out with them and kid because how not fun is that? And then we had a kid, and we don't go out in the evening a whole lot - although we are starting to entertain more, and it's nice to have grown-up time without thinking about how much each hour is costing you. But J's my top priority, far and away.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I also think not having a baby till I was 40 makes a big difference. I would've felt like I was missing out on a lot if I'd been in my 20s or early 30s.