Before we decided to have a baby, I knew to expect certain things. I knew that the sleep deprivation would be brutal. I knew that childcare would be expensive. I knew that my free time would disappear. In the 18 months since Quinn came into this world, there have also been many things that I didn't expect at all.
I didn't expect...I'd never not feel guilty again. At work, I feel guilty I'm not with my son. At home, I feel guilty that I'm no longer at work full time and things aren't going as smoothly. When I get some rare time to myself, I feel guilty that I'm not with my family. There is zero time where I'm able to relax and not feel like I'm letting someone down.
I didn't expect...that even after my child started sleeping through the night, I wouldn't be able to anymore. After pregnancy and 15ish months of crummy sleeping, my body no longer knows how to sleep. It's brutal. I'm just starting some sleeping meds now to see if they help retrain my body to sleep.
I didn't expect...to not get vacations anymore. Sure, I can take time off work, but gone are the days of napping, sitting on the beach reading a book, and eating whenever we felt like it. As much as I was determined to not schedule everything around my child, I birthed a kiddo that thrives on routine. We follow a routine because we're all happier then, but it means little to no travel, and not much down time.
I didn't expect...that bonding with my child would take so long. Sure, he started out very sick, but it still took me a good 6 months before I felt bonded to him. Before that, I honestly felt like a babysitter. I'm happy to say that has changed.
I didn't expect that...having a child would magnify mental health issues. Having a child is stressful (duh), but if you're a person that needs down time, having a very energetic child can really tax you. Having a constant shadow can be challenging when you have a large personal space bubble. My husband has struggled greatly, but he's getting help and I'm proud of him for that.
I didn't expect that...I'd miss my spouse, even when he's near me. We are pretty much mom and dad now. Gone are the days of husband and wife, although I know it will get better as Quinn gets older. Thankfully my mom is amazing and gives us one overnight a month so B and I can get away together. Some months I think we both feel like those are the only 24 hours we get to be just the two of us, and it's SO important. It's hard not to be caught up in the daily grind of working/parenting/chores.
I didn't expect that...I'd actually be pretty decent at parenting. Although I've now learned that I'm not an infant person, I'm surprisingly patient (but firm) with toddler boundary pushing. My kid may be crazy active and NEVER sit still, but we get comments all the time in public about how well behaved he is. It's always lovely to hear, because it helps me remember that being active doesn't mean he's poorly behaved.
I'm sure there are more things that I'm not thinking about that have surprised me as well. I'm still trying to find the best work/childcare balance, but right now me working 3.5 days seems to be going pretty well. Quinn thrives under the care of his nanny, and I really enjoy my 1.5 days off with him. We just had his 18mo check-up where they told us he should have about 10-15 words. Our ped laughed when Q said 15 words in about 3 seconds. If I had to guess, I'd say he has well over 500 words by now. He's 50% for height, 50% for head, and 20% for weight. It's hard to believe after having an infant that struggled so greatly. While some days are hard, most days are full of joy. Q is a jokester and loves to laugh and tease us. He's big on sharing and loves to scold himself when he's not following the rules ("SIT DOWN!" he'll shout as he stands up on his chair). I think I'll keep him :)
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
15 months
15 months is so awesome that it was worthy of opening up this dusty blog and recording for all of time. If I could bottle up 15 months and sell it, I would, and I'd be rich.
15 months is.....
...dressing up like your daddy for Halloween
...being mischievous to get a laugh out of your parents
...laughing a deep belly laugh when someone scares you (your favorite thing)
...spending half of the day looking at the sky saying "ah-pane, ah-pane." Since we live in the flight path, you get to say this alllll day long
...being a great dinner companion
...playing outside all the live-long day. Rain doesn't slow you down
...being so cute and charming in public that we rarely go out without someone saying that you "made their day"
...talking! I stopped counting at 30 words when you were 13 months. I'm sure you're well over 50 now, and you get 2-3 new ones per day it feels like.
...eating like a big boy. You're all toddler as you eat at your tiny table and eat a quesadilla for dinner.
...learning to follow directions, which you're amazingly good at. You also LOVE to help with chores. The dishwasher opens and you come running.
...playing with the vacuum. You can plug it in and turn it on yourself, and then you laugh so hard when your daddy sucks up your hand or belly.
...taking lots of adventures with mommy's mom's group, like to the pumpkin patch
...spending 3 days per week with your beloved nanny Gloria and your little girlfriend Ramona. If she's not around, your sad little "moooooona?" breaks my heart.
...loving life with excitement and exuberance. Just this week you started saying "whoa" in context, which makes us laugh.
...dancing! Oh boy how you love to dance! The local pub has a child's musician on Wednesday nights, and even he was cracking up at your moves.
...being all boy. You are always in constant motion unless you're sleeping. You love to run and climb, with no fear of falling. You're now at the stage where you are always covered in bruises.
Buddy, you're such a joy and just so much fun. Every week we discuss having one of us quit and stay home with you. We haven't taken the plunge yet because your nanny is so good for you and part-time work is good for us, but each week it gets harder and harder to leave you in the mornings. I can't wait to watch you grow even more.
15 months is.....
...dressing up like your daddy for Halloween
...being mischievous to get a laugh out of your parents
...laughing a deep belly laugh when someone scares you (your favorite thing)
...spending half of the day looking at the sky saying "ah-pane, ah-pane." Since we live in the flight path, you get to say this alllll day long
...being a great dinner companion
...playing outside all the live-long day. Rain doesn't slow you down
...being so cute and charming in public that we rarely go out without someone saying that you "made their day"
...talking! I stopped counting at 30 words when you were 13 months. I'm sure you're well over 50 now, and you get 2-3 new ones per day it feels like.
...eating like a big boy. You're all toddler as you eat at your tiny table and eat a quesadilla for dinner.
...learning to follow directions, which you're amazingly good at. You also LOVE to help with chores. The dishwasher opens and you come running.
...playing with the vacuum. You can plug it in and turn it on yourself, and then you laugh so hard when your daddy sucks up your hand or belly.
...taking lots of adventures with mommy's mom's group, like to the pumpkin patch
...spending 3 days per week with your beloved nanny Gloria and your little girlfriend Ramona. If she's not around, your sad little "moooooona?" breaks my heart.
...loving life with excitement and exuberance. Just this week you started saying "whoa" in context, which makes us laugh.
...dancing! Oh boy how you love to dance! The local pub has a child's musician on Wednesday nights, and even he was cracking up at your moves.
...being all boy. You are always in constant motion unless you're sleeping. You love to run and climb, with no fear of falling. You're now at the stage where you are always covered in bruises.
Buddy, you're such a joy and just so much fun. Every week we discuss having one of us quit and stay home with you. We haven't taken the plunge yet because your nanny is so good for you and part-time work is good for us, but each week it gets harder and harder to leave you in the mornings. I can't wait to watch you grow even more.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
ONE!
Quinn turned one on Monday.
Somehow, in the blink of an eye, my "screaming-24/7-unhappy-failure-to-thrive-oh-my-god-we-have-ruined-our-lives" has turned into this joyous and smart little boy that charms everyone he meets, giggles when you tickle his neck, loves nothing more than being chased, walks everywhere, talks (dada, mama, cat, hat, dog, yes, off, duck), gives hugs, helps dress himself, shares, and loves teasing (he'll offer you an object, then snatch it back and run away giggling). Oh the joy that is wrapped up in that little body.
November still hurts my heart. He was SO skinny and SO sickly :(
Somehow, in the blink of an eye, my "screaming-24/7-unhappy-failure-to-thrive-oh-my-god-we-have-ruined-our-lives" has turned into this joyous and smart little boy that charms everyone he meets, giggles when you tickle his neck, loves nothing more than being chased, walks everywhere, talks (dada, mama, cat, hat, dog, yes, off, duck), gives hugs, helps dress himself, shares, and loves teasing (he'll offer you an object, then snatch it back and run away giggling). Oh the joy that is wrapped up in that little body.
November still hurts my heart. He was SO skinny and SO sickly :(
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Fun times
While Quinn didn't get better immediately, things gradually became more fun. Not only was he feeling better, but I think we were learning his cues better and settling into as much of a groove as one can have with an infant.
Quinn will never be an "easy" baby. He's not content to sit and play on his playmat alone for more than about 10 minutes. He'd be happy being carried around all day. He never stops moving while he's awake. If he's lying down, his arms and legs are moving. If he's standing up, he's bouncing and his arms are flapping away. He has two emotions - SUPER happy or SUPER pissed off. There isn't much in between. That said, the happy greatly outweighs the pissed off now, and we're having a lot of fun with him. He has a fantastic sense of humor, and he makes us laugh every day.
We've had a million rounds of illness go through our house thanks to the petri dish of daycare (bronchitis, RSV, numerous colds, norovirus, and probably others I'm forgetting). We're doing all that we can to try and take him out of daycare if finances will allow. Hopefully by spring we'll have a plan.
We started swimming lessons in January. Despite the pool being advertised as 86 degrees, it was more like 81. That's waaay to cold for babies. All of the babies in class had chattering teeth. Quinn cried and was purple within 10 minutes. I said screw it and never went back. Instead, we found a local soaking pool that is a delightful 100 degrees. It's FULL of babies, and Quinn loves it. He splashes and squeals with delight.
He also loves bath time
He and I started a game a couple of months ago where I peek at him through the bars of his crib when he wakes up. Every.single.time I get this huge smile. It's one of my favorite parts of the day.
He has also learned to sit, and mobility is not far behind
He loves being outside in the fresh air, even if it is cold outside
He's our little superhero, and we love him :) More updates to come, but for now the lure of bed calls. Mr. Q is nowhere near sleeping through the night, so 9pm is bedtime around here!
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Quinn will never be an "easy" baby. He's not content to sit and play on his playmat alone for more than about 10 minutes. He'd be happy being carried around all day. He never stops moving while he's awake. If he's lying down, his arms and legs are moving. If he's standing up, he's bouncing and his arms are flapping away. He has two emotions - SUPER happy or SUPER pissed off. There isn't much in between. That said, the happy greatly outweighs the pissed off now, and we're having a lot of fun with him. He has a fantastic sense of humor, and he makes us laugh every day.
We've had a million rounds of illness go through our house thanks to the petri dish of daycare (bronchitis, RSV, numerous colds, norovirus, and probably others I'm forgetting). We're doing all that we can to try and take him out of daycare if finances will allow. Hopefully by spring we'll have a plan.
We started swimming lessons in January. Despite the pool being advertised as 86 degrees, it was more like 81. That's waaay to cold for babies. All of the babies in class had chattering teeth. Quinn cried and was purple within 10 minutes. I said screw it and never went back. Instead, we found a local soaking pool that is a delightful 100 degrees. It's FULL of babies, and Quinn loves it. He splashes and squeals with delight.
He also loves bath time
He and I started a game a couple of months ago where I peek at him through the bars of his crib when he wakes up. Every.single.time I get this huge smile. It's one of my favorite parts of the day.
He has also learned to sit, and mobility is not far behind
He loves being outside in the fresh air, even if it is cold outside
He's our little superhero, and we love him :) More updates to come, but for now the lure of bed calls. Mr. Q is nowhere near sleeping through the night, so 9pm is bedtime around here!
.jpg)
Friday, February 15, 2013
The other side
I couldn't bring myself to post for a long time. I didn't want to put in writing the way I was feeling. It felt unfair and wrong to talk about my baby in any way that wasn't gushing and loving. The truth was, we went through several months of pure hell. From about 3 months, the crying grew more and more intense. By 4.5 months, it was up to 8 hours per day.
I'm not exaggerating.
I'm also not exaggerating when I say it was SCREAMING. Not crying, screaming. We went to the doctor many times. "Nothing" was wrong. He was still gaining weight, albeit slowly. I took him back in in late October because he didn't seem to be gaining much. I was right, he had only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. After doing a pre/post nursing weigh-in, he was taking in plenty and I was producing well. The LC thought that maybe he needed more in the bottles while I was at work. Operation "fatten Quinn up" started. The screaming got worse, but he gained 6oz on 6 days. Nursing was a battle for both of us. Latch, suck, scream, unlatch. Repeat over and over.
I didn't care that he was gaining, something was wrong. Babies don't scream that much. This wasn't colic. Still, I saw several peds, and all said it was just colic and reflux. Finally, when he was 4.5 months old, he gained ZERO ounces in 10 days. Our ped could see the exhaustion on our faces. We probably spent almost as much time crying as Q did. We were miserable. We questioned if we had made a huge mistake having a baby. Our ped kicked it into high gear. The next day, we saw a GI specialist. She took 5 tubes of blood, a urine sample, and 4 stool samples (those were FUN to collect!). We could tell she was a bit stumped, but she decided we should try neocate, a fancy $50 per can amino acid hypoallergenice formula. At that point, we were willing to bankrupt our savings to "fix" our baby.
This is a result of TEN days of formula:
I'm not exaggerating.
I'm also not exaggerating when I say it was SCREAMING. Not crying, screaming. We went to the doctor many times. "Nothing" was wrong. He was still gaining weight, albeit slowly. I took him back in in late October because he didn't seem to be gaining much. I was right, he had only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. After doing a pre/post nursing weigh-in, he was taking in plenty and I was producing well. The LC thought that maybe he needed more in the bottles while I was at work. Operation "fatten Quinn up" started. The screaming got worse, but he gained 6oz on 6 days. Nursing was a battle for both of us. Latch, suck, scream, unlatch. Repeat over and over.
I didn't care that he was gaining, something was wrong. Babies don't scream that much. This wasn't colic. Still, I saw several peds, and all said it was just colic and reflux. Finally, when he was 4.5 months old, he gained ZERO ounces in 10 days. Our ped could see the exhaustion on our faces. We probably spent almost as much time crying as Q did. We were miserable. We questioned if we had made a huge mistake having a baby. Our ped kicked it into high gear. The next day, we saw a GI specialist. She took 5 tubes of blood, a urine sample, and 4 stool samples (those were FUN to collect!). We could tell she was a bit stumped, but she decided we should try neocate, a fancy $50 per can amino acid hypoallergenice formula. At that point, we were willing to bankrupt our savings to "fix" our baby.
This is a result of TEN days of formula:
TEN DAYS people! He put on almost 2lbs in 10 days! His personality immediately started to change. The screaming was 50% less within 3 days, and 75% less within a week. Clearly that was the answer. The best as we can guess, he has a severe milk protein allergy. I was poisoning him with breastmilk. While I was sad to give up breastfeeding, we made it 4.5 months. Clearly it was NOT what was best for my child. We didn't have time to try an elimination diet for me. We were days away from having to hospitalize Quinn. I may be pro-breastfeeding, but I'm more pro doing what's best for my kid. For him, formula is best.
He's stirring from a nap....more about the bonding finally coming and pictures of our awesome kid soon :)
Friday, October 12, 2012
Back to work
This was my second week back at work. The "new normal" for our family is Bryan home with Quinn M/W, daycare at a small in-home place Tues/Thurs, and me at home with Quinn on Friday.
Going back to work was a fairly big adjustment. I am NOT a morning person, but I try to get to work at 7:15 so I can either rescue Q from daycare or Bryan from Q (hehe) by 4ish each day. Babies go to bed so early too, so it's nice to get in a couple of hours with Q before the evening meltdown. We also spend the last hour or so of the day having to get ready for the next day ("processing" my pumped milk and putting it in bottles, getting the diaper bag ready for daycare, making lunches, setting out clothes for the morning, etc).
I love my job. What I don't love is when I train someone for six months to fill in while I'm out, and then that person decides that she doesn't want to do any of my work while I'm out (she has now been kicked off of our team). I thought I'd be able to slip right back in and keep moving forward, but instead I'm catching up on 3 months of work, plus keeping my old projects moving forward, plus adding in 3 new projects. All of this is coupled with pumping 3 times per day and being generally sleep deprived. It is getting better now that week 2 is in the books, but that first week I had stress headaches every day. On the bright side, all of my project team members rejoiced when I returned. It is really nice to be so loved. I had a woman comment yesterday that it was "so obvious I was back because things were finally getting done - and done right." :)
I am feeling good in knowing that me going back to work was the absolute best thing for my family. I'm enjoying the mental stimulation of my job. I'm enjoying Quinn more because I get a break from him. I have found myself being much more patient when he cries, and I look forward to getting home to him every night. I cherish my Fridays at home as the one day I have during the week that I'm alone with him. The biggest benefit has been for Bryan and his relationship with Q. Evening hours aren't the best time for babies, but that was mostly the only time Bryan saw him. It makes it hard to bond with your baby when you only see him scream. Now they get 2 full days per week together, and he gets to see the fun times (kicking and punching and laughing together every morning on the changing pad is their favorite time) and he gets lots of smiles during the day. I've seen an enormous change in the way they interact together. It has been so beneficial for both of them, and I love listening to them chatter together in the mornings when I leave for work. It definitely makes it hard to go!
Quinn is now just over 3 months old, and things are getting better every day. He generally sleeps better, with only 2 short wake-ups during the night to eat. I'll let him get away with that for a couple more months since he's so small, but then I'll try to get down to just one. He has been getting up more from 4-6am for the last few days, but that's because he can't breathe. Two days into daycare and he already had his first cold. We still working on getting naps better, but as I write this he has been asleep for just shy of FOUR hours! Unheard of. It was much welcomed since I'm battling my second day of a migraine - the first one I've had in 12 years.
Quinn smiles readily, and he now has a soft giggle. He does great at daycare and they love him. The long crying spells are getting fewer and fewer as the days go by, and our ability to soothe him quickly is much better. It requires great teamwork in the evenings (one person is dealing with baby, the other is cleaning bottles/lunches from the day and making dinner), but it goes pretty well for us. I'm grateful that B and I were such a good team pre-baby, because EVERYTHING now requires teamwork to get it done. We rarely have to even talk about it, we just divide and conquer. We can see at light at the end of the tunnel and look forward to the days when we can take him to do fun things with us, like the new aquarium that is opening in Portland in December.
Now onto the required photos (and a video that makes me laugh every time I watch it).
Quinn loves to dance :)
Going back to work was a fairly big adjustment. I am NOT a morning person, but I try to get to work at 7:15 so I can either rescue Q from daycare or Bryan from Q (hehe) by 4ish each day. Babies go to bed so early too, so it's nice to get in a couple of hours with Q before the evening meltdown. We also spend the last hour or so of the day having to get ready for the next day ("processing" my pumped milk and putting it in bottles, getting the diaper bag ready for daycare, making lunches, setting out clothes for the morning, etc).
I love my job. What I don't love is when I train someone for six months to fill in while I'm out, and then that person decides that she doesn't want to do any of my work while I'm out (she has now been kicked off of our team). I thought I'd be able to slip right back in and keep moving forward, but instead I'm catching up on 3 months of work, plus keeping my old projects moving forward, plus adding in 3 new projects. All of this is coupled with pumping 3 times per day and being generally sleep deprived. It is getting better now that week 2 is in the books, but that first week I had stress headaches every day. On the bright side, all of my project team members rejoiced when I returned. It is really nice to be so loved. I had a woman comment yesterday that it was "so obvious I was back because things were finally getting done - and done right." :)
I am feeling good in knowing that me going back to work was the absolute best thing for my family. I'm enjoying the mental stimulation of my job. I'm enjoying Quinn more because I get a break from him. I have found myself being much more patient when he cries, and I look forward to getting home to him every night. I cherish my Fridays at home as the one day I have during the week that I'm alone with him. The biggest benefit has been for Bryan and his relationship with Q. Evening hours aren't the best time for babies, but that was mostly the only time Bryan saw him. It makes it hard to bond with your baby when you only see him scream. Now they get 2 full days per week together, and he gets to see the fun times (kicking and punching and laughing together every morning on the changing pad is their favorite time) and he gets lots of smiles during the day. I've seen an enormous change in the way they interact together. It has been so beneficial for both of them, and I love listening to them chatter together in the mornings when I leave for work. It definitely makes it hard to go!
Quinn is now just over 3 months old, and things are getting better every day. He generally sleeps better, with only 2 short wake-ups during the night to eat. I'll let him get away with that for a couple more months since he's so small, but then I'll try to get down to just one. He has been getting up more from 4-6am for the last few days, but that's because he can't breathe. Two days into daycare and he already had his first cold. We still working on getting naps better, but as I write this he has been asleep for just shy of FOUR hours! Unheard of. It was much welcomed since I'm battling my second day of a migraine - the first one I've had in 12 years.
Quinn smiles readily, and he now has a soft giggle. He does great at daycare and they love him. The long crying spells are getting fewer and fewer as the days go by, and our ability to soothe him quickly is much better. It requires great teamwork in the evenings (one person is dealing with baby, the other is cleaning bottles/lunches from the day and making dinner), but it goes pretty well for us. I'm grateful that B and I were such a good team pre-baby, because EVERYTHING now requires teamwork to get it done. We rarely have to even talk about it, we just divide and conquer. We can see at light at the end of the tunnel and look forward to the days when we can take him to do fun things with us, like the new aquarium that is opening in Portland in December.
Now onto the required photos (and a video that makes me laugh every time I watch it).
Quinn loves to dance :)
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