Before we decided to have a baby, I knew to expect certain things. I knew that the sleep deprivation would be brutal. I knew that childcare would be expensive. I knew that my free time would disappear. In the 18 months since Quinn came into this world, there have also been many things that I didn't expect at all.
I didn't expect...I'd never not feel guilty again. At work, I feel guilty I'm not with my son. At home, I feel guilty that I'm no longer at work full time and things aren't going as smoothly. When I get some rare time to myself, I feel guilty that I'm not with my family. There is zero time where I'm able to relax and not feel like I'm letting someone down.
I didn't expect...that even after my child started sleeping through the night, I wouldn't be able to anymore. After pregnancy and 15ish months of crummy sleeping, my body no longer knows how to sleep. It's brutal. I'm just starting some sleeping meds now to see if they help retrain my body to sleep.
I didn't expect...to not get vacations anymore. Sure, I can take time off work, but gone are the days of napping, sitting on the beach reading a book, and eating whenever we felt like it. As much as I was determined to not schedule everything around my child, I birthed a kiddo that thrives on routine. We follow a routine because we're all happier then, but it means little to no travel, and not much down time.
I didn't expect...that bonding with my child would take so long. Sure, he started out very sick, but it still took me a good 6 months before I felt bonded to him. Before that, I honestly felt like a babysitter. I'm happy to say that has changed.
I didn't expect that...having a child would magnify mental health issues. Having a child is stressful (duh), but if you're a person that needs down time, having a very energetic child can really tax you. Having a constant shadow can be challenging when you have a large personal space bubble. My husband has struggled greatly, but he's getting help and I'm proud of him for that.
I didn't expect that...I'd miss my spouse, even when he's near me. We are pretty much mom and dad now. Gone are the days of husband and wife, although I know it will get better as Quinn gets older. Thankfully my mom is amazing and gives us one overnight a month so B and I can get away together. Some months I think we both feel like those are the only 24 hours we get to be just the two of us, and it's SO important. It's hard not to be caught up in the daily grind of working/parenting/chores.
I didn't expect that...I'd actually be pretty decent at parenting. Although I've now learned that I'm not an infant person, I'm surprisingly patient (but firm) with toddler boundary pushing. My kid may be crazy active and NEVER sit still, but we get comments all the time in public about how well behaved he is. It's always lovely to hear, because it helps me remember that being active doesn't mean he's poorly behaved.
I'm sure there are more things that I'm not thinking about that have surprised me as well. I'm still trying to find the best work/childcare balance, but right now me working 3.5 days seems to be going pretty well. Quinn thrives under the care of his nanny, and I really enjoy my 1.5 days off with him. We just had his 18mo check-up where they told us he should have about 10-15 words. Our ped laughed when Q said 15 words in about 3 seconds. If I had to guess, I'd say he has well over 500 words by now. He's 50% for height, 50% for head, and 20% for weight. It's hard to believe after having an infant that struggled so greatly. While some days are hard, most days are full of joy. Q is a jokester and loves to laugh and tease us. He's big on sharing and loves to scold himself when he's not following the rules ("SIT DOWN!" he'll shout as he stands up on his chair). I think I'll keep him :)
